Well today's post most probably will not be too eloquent. I have always tried to be brave, or at lease not let the fear show but I am not doing such a good job right now. For some unknown, unexplainable reason I am terrified today. Needless to say I will be spending most all of today talking with God. You know, I have the praying down pat, I even manage to successfully turn it over and leave it in his hands. Then that's when the trouble starts. I take it back and start worrying again. I am sure I am not unique so if anyone has any solutions, feel free to share!
Here is what I can't seem to leave alone. After the 2nd chemo and pneumonia business I was left with pretty severe left shoulder and arm pain. I of course discounted it thinking it was due to coughing, but after 3 weeks and the pain becomming so bad I couldn't move my arm I began having second thoughts. My wonderful doctors promptly gave me enought pain medicine to put down a horse and it just made mine bearable. I can hearby swear that I have now found pain worse that childbirth! After a few doses we got a handle on it. They rescanned me and the results were a mixture of news, mostly good. The lymph nodes that spread the cancer were DEAD. The bone tumors in the hip and scapula and the tumors in the liver and lung had not grown at all. The pneumonia had cleared well. They believe the inflammation from the lung and scapula are causing this left arm pain. I got yet another lecture on keeping myself well medicated. I tell you I find this all quite ironic. There was a time in my life I would have begged for someone to tell me this, now I have them offering more every time I speak to them. lol. Don't get me wrong, I have resigned the victim role. I am taking the meds like a good girl.
The suggestion now is to postpone the chemo and radiate the lung and scapula to reduce the size and help the pain. Have no idea why this scares me, but it does. The facility and physician are wonderful, they couldn't have made me more comfortable. I have read all the literature and it makes perfect sense. Millions of people go through this everyday with wonderful results, etc. No logical reason for my fear except that it is there! My first treatment is this afternoon at 2:45 so I will be turning this over again and again today. I will check in later and let you know how things went. Maybe I will even be able to muster up being poignant or funny again.
Thanks for listening to my rantings and ravings this morning. Hope you all know I couldn't keep all this inside my head and stay sane. Some would question my sanity anyway, lol. Luv each and every one of you guys!
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You go, girl! I think you are trying to make sure you are making the correct decision and that's why you are scared. It's hard to trust others to make the decision for you. But you can only go by what has been recommended by the experts and as you say, release it all to God's hands. I am thinking about you every day and saying a prayer for you to feel better! Luv ya, Mary
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