Let's start cooking!

Well today's post most probably will not be too eloquent. I have always tried to be brave, or at lease not let the fear show but I am not doing such a good job right now. For some unknown, unexplainable reason I am terrified today. Needless to say I will be spending most all of today talking with God. You know, I have the praying down pat, I even manage to successfully turn it over and leave it in his hands. Then that's when the trouble starts. I take it back and start worrying again. I am sure I am not unique so if anyone has any solutions, feel free to share!

Here is what I can't seem to leave alone. After the 2nd chemo and pneumonia business I was left with pretty severe left shoulder and arm pain. I of course discounted it thinking it was due to coughing, but after 3 weeks and the pain becomming so bad I couldn't move my arm I began having second thoughts. My wonderful doctors promptly gave me enought pain medicine to put down a horse and it just made mine bearable. I can hearby swear that I have now found pain worse that childbirth! After a few doses we got a handle on it. They rescanned me and the results were a mixture of news, mostly good. The lymph nodes that spread the cancer were DEAD. The bone tumors in the hip and scapula and the tumors in the liver and lung had not grown at all. The pneumonia had cleared well. They believe the inflammation from the lung and scapula are causing this left arm pain. I got yet another lecture on keeping myself well medicated. I tell you I find this all quite ironic. There was a time in my life I would have begged for someone to tell me this, now I have them offering more every time I speak to them. lol. Don't get me wrong, I have resigned the victim role. I am taking the meds like a good girl.

The suggestion now is to postpone the chemo and radiate the lung and scapula to reduce the size and help the pain. Have no idea why this scares me, but it does. The facility and physician are wonderful, they couldn't have made me more comfortable. I have read all the literature and it makes perfect sense. Millions of people go through this everyday with wonderful results, etc. No logical reason for my fear except that it is there! My first treatment is this afternoon at 2:45 so I will be turning this over again and again today. I will check in later and let you know how things went. Maybe I will even be able to muster up being poignant or funny again.

Thanks for listening to my rantings and ravings this morning. Hope you all know I couldn't keep all this inside my head and stay sane. Some would question my sanity anyway, lol. Luv each and every one of you guys!

No Coincidences

I know it has been quite some time since I last blogged anything. My journey has taken me down quite a few unpleasant roads of late and I am just now feeling like sitting at the computer. You know, when they say chemo is poison, they are not kidding. I don't think it is something one can adequately describe. My second chemo treatment actually went well. No worshipping of the porcelain god (better known as the toilet) this time. I did get to battle a heck of a case of pneumonia for 8 days following though. Had enough IV fluids to fill a lake, enough antibiotics to kill any germ and coughed enough to really wrench my back. Sound like fun yet??? I was all set to go home when they told me my blood counts had dropped and needed 2 units of blood. At this point we struck a deal, give me the blood but let me go home. They did and I got to go home at 10:00pm on Friday. I was a vampire loving person to start with, Twighligt, True Blood, and The Vampire Diaries, etc. but now I am even more so. If anyone offers me blood, I'm taking it. Talk about boost of energy! Felt almost normal again. That about catches you up on the medical part. Having 8 days to do nothing but lay around, cough and think could usually be a very dangerous thing for me. My mind in an unfocused/undirected state can be a scary and dangerous place, lol. As a result of much praying here are some of the things that were revealed to me.

I need to start by letting you know that I have a tendency to feel alone in a room of people. I have been this way since Junior High. As a result, I constantly isolated myself to protect myself from being left. In short, I put up some very thick walls. This got a little better as I got older, but I still tend to do it even though I try not to. High school brought back particularly painful memories, ones it took me 34 years to let go of. (Must of liked that misery, lol). There is absolutely no foundation for these feelings, they are just what they are. Anyway, for some UNKNOWN reason one day my co-worker and I decided to join FaceBook. I think our daughters suggested it, well maybe mine, not sure Trini was initially on board with Kay and I joining, haha. As I was playing with this new "toy" I came across my high school group. In a moment of weakness I let down the wall and joined. As you all responded, I wrote back, laughed and had the best time I had had in a long time. This dark cloud lifted and I was suddenly healed and wanted to re-connect.

And then there are my cousins. We grew up more like brothers and sisters than 1st cousins. The feelings have always been there, but what with the fast pace of life we sort of let that get in the way. I now speak to them everyday, share life stories and laughter and most of all love. I didn't realize what a huge hole that I had carried around for so long and am so greatful to have that filled. This also includes my more immediate family and their extended families as well. The little only child from Arlington, Texas has more family now than ever in my life.

Last but not least are my work "sisters" and patients. Even though I work in the same suite as these ladies, Facebook has helped us learn about and laugh with each other. How my life has been blessed with these new and wonderful friendships.

Now I have to ask you, is it not absolutely amazing that all of a sudden I have the strongest, most caring and supportive group of people surrounding me at the time in my life when I need it the most? You see, there really are no coincidences...... only miracles that God chooses to remain anonymous in. My heart is so full and I am so blessed to have you all at my back. Heck even the hospital nurses want to be honorary "Sam Sisters". Let's never take a day or each other for granted. Each one is truly a gift from God.