Chemo 1

Well, it has been a few days. Not because I ran out of things to say, but because God and I have been battling fever all week. I had forgotten how weak that makes one. But much better today so I thought I would catch you guys up.

Seven days after my diagnosis I had my first Chemo treatment. This may have set a record for rapid treatment initiation. It pays to know the right people at times like this. I was, mentally and spiritually ready for my first "battle". I did everything I was instructed to (now no comments from the peanut gallery here). You see I am not exactly good at taking instructions. This however was different. I woke up, prayed and asked God to be with me as we set about curing this cancer thing.

My chemo is given at the hospital, but in a very nice infusion center. The nurses there are phenomenal and they will do anything to make this process as comfortable as possible. The most wonderful invention I have seen so far is my IV port. This is a little device they implant just under the skin that gives them direct access for IV's. No sticking, yeah!!!!! They have wonderfully comfortable recliner chairs, each with a t.v. and best of all, they give you warm blankets.

I was worried about getting bored so I brought some busy work with me to occupy my time. Well, that was a joke! As soon as they gave me medication for nausea and started the Chemo, I was out. Put me right to sleep. I have no idea what happened the rest of the day, but sometime they put me in a wheelchair and had Ronny bring me home. It is interesting being on this side of medicine. They gave me enough paper instructions to fill a 2" binder. I signed something that said I understood my discharge instructions but I have no idea what they said. Now I ask you...... it seems to me that doing all this "teaching" and reading BEFORE the actual infusion would be a much smarter thing. I can't remember squat anyway, add some drugs and it is a given I won't remember. Obviously everyone is worried about global warming and the cost of healthcare. My next suggestion.... copy this on a CD and let people take that home. THEY MOST LIKELY will not read the Encyclopedia Britanica anytime soon but even if one fell asleep, there would be a chance of some subliminal retention.

Anyway, long story short I went home feeling wonderful. My parents, both my kids, my husband and my sweet precious Addie were there with open arms. Felt great, ate a wonderful steak my husband grilled, salad and a whole bunch of other food I probably should not have. No, not going to "should" on myself. I ate it because I wanted to be normal, like everyone else and also because it was darn good. After dinner, we all went for a walk with the dogs, Addie just loves to walk Stuart Little and he is a pretty good sport most of the time, lol. Sat around, then went to bed. To say that "all hell broke loose" at about 4:30 am seems a little mild. Anyway, I had my first session of "worship" at the porcelain God whilst praying, oh God, oh god, oh god! Now I have worshipped at this alter before, mostly in much younger days, but never like this. It was a 3 day revival. The locations changed from my bathroom, to my bed hugging a trash can to the hospital. They admitted me gave me wonderful IV anti nausea medication and kept me for 3 nights. By the time I was discharged I was eating a regular diet, so I thought no problem.

Got home, got settled in then ate dinner with Ronny and my parents. Big, mistake, big, big mistake. Now I am a reasonably intelligent woman and when I read this myself my first thoughts were "what were you thinking??????". I don't even have the excuse of never being exposed to medicine. It has literally been my livelihood for the last 35 years. I would never advise any of my patients to do this, it is stupid. However, I have read some of the Encyclopedia Britanica and there is a documented condition called "Chemo Brain". Something about it causing memory loss. I tell you what, I grabbed hold of that and I plan on using it a lot. Get used to the term. I have never had a legitimate excuse before and I intend to take full advantage!

Well needless to say, I didn't make it through the night, went back to the Infusion center for medication and fluids. Again, hooked me up and I fell asleep immediately. Unfortunately, that was during my conversation with the dietician. Again I ponder.....I sat in the lobby with my trusty trash can for over and hour to get admitted. Believe me I was awake that whole time. Perhaps that would have been a better instructional time. Anyway, Ronny spoke with her and came to pick me up loaded for bear. I was low on protein and various assundry other things and they decided a Protein drink would be good for me. I am not sure but I seriously doubt they could make these things taste any worse. Putting them in cute containers with built in straws like a kids juice box does not fool anyone. I swear I may write my own set of nausea and vomiting instructions for healthcare professionals.

Now for a happy ending to Chemo 1. Although possibly contributory, my stupid meal choices were probably not the main reason for my reactions. The first day after my first treatment, the palpable node in my neck had decreased in size from 5 cm to 1 cm. My oncologist put it wonderfully. Mass tumor cell kill! I just love that sentence.... The body has to rid itself of all those dead tumor cells. This has given a new twist to my services at the toilet/trash can. I can now pray Oh Thank You God, Oh Thank You God! All of you are responsible for this by praying for me everyday. Words cannot express my gratitude.

Have my next Chemo party scheduled for next Thursday. They are going to admit me this time and keep me overnight even though they think I might not have as bad a response. I would willingly go through this if it means "mass tumor kill" again!

The Great Simplifier

My life was simplified, redirected and refocused in the matter of a few minutes. All of a sudden priorities became crystal clear. God, your family and loved ones, friends, relationships, it seems so simple yet not so, historically for me. Gone were worries of who was prettier, thinner, smarter. What job, what rung of the ole ladder I had gotten to, how much money am I making - just not an issue. How many years has it really been since I looked in the mirror first thing in the morning and not been trying to measure up to some type of standard? I have no idea, but if I am honest I would have to say I can never remember not doing this. Throughout life I have described this as drive and ambition and worn them like a badge. I think it has been all too easy for me to continually get caught up in that vortex. I got so used to spinning around in circles it seemed like the normal thing to do.

When I looked in the mirror this morning, all I saw was a woman who with God's help is a Cancer Survivor for today. I am in a daily war with cancer and that is now just the only battle I am willing to participate in. So, for those of you that may have been afraid to say something to me before......here is your "get out of jail free" card. No negative energy from me. God and I are focused and busy.

Now, since I am committed to true honesty here, I will admit that when I looked in the mirror today, I am still greatful for my hair so I guess God is not done with me yet,lol.

Ok, well here goes. I am almost afraid to start this thing there has been so much hype. I would like to say that there are many defining moments in life, none quite so resonating as being smacked straight up side the head with your own mortality. My defining moment started around noon on January 28, 2010. I got up, went to work in clinic and was generally very busy. I got a phone call at noon that my doctor wanted to speak with me right away. Not giving it much of a second thought, I phoned him. He told me that my routine chest xray had shown something and I needed to get a CT scan. First sucker punch to the gut! What did I do you say? Well, I checked in the next patient and scheduled someone else's test! Being the patient sort, I decided to have the doctor I work for (he should remain nameless to protect the innocent, lol) to tell me what level of panic I should be allowing myself. He did and told me to get the CT scheduled that afternoon.

Some of the major benefits in working in healthcare for 35 years are the people you meet and work with on a daily basis and the favors you can call in when needed. Within the hour I was having my CT scan. I got dressed and went back to relieve my work sister in clinic. I do so much better when I can focus on someone else's problems. In a couple of hours, Kay came over to tell me Dr. B (protecting his innocence, remember?) needed to speak with me in his office. Well let me tell you, one does not need to be a brain surgeon to know this is not going to be good! I will say that the sweetness and caring that he delivered the news with has been one of the most touching things to come out of this experience so far. I will always be greatful for the way you handled that Dr. B.

At this point, I did decide that maybe I should just let Kay go ahead and finish clinic. I thought, WTH, why not even allow yourself a good cry? Then I called Ronny. I have absolutely no idea what I told him except I knew he was on his way. As a matter of fact, I am not sure that I even remember what happened for the next few days. All I know is that it was like a whirlwind. First came the PET scan, then the pulomonary doctor then the bronchoscopy. All this was done by the next day, Friday. Then came the joy of waiting for the biopsy results. Second sucker punch to the gut, but who's counting right? Stage 4 lung cancer with nodes in the bone and liver. or something like that. I mean really wasn't the first part bad enough?

The next joyous step in this process was getting an IV port implanted. Now to date, this has got to rank #1 in my procedures to date. I think that had more to do with the Versed than anything else. That will have it's own individual blog devoted to it, I promise. Let's just liken it for now to giving someone that has not had a drink for 25 years a pitcher of margaritas. This gets us up to 2/11/10. That date marks my first chemo treatment, another whole story in itself.

I have a lot more, but I will need to start slowly! Award winning masterpieces cannot be expected to occur overnight anyway. Who knows, maybe I will be the next John Grogan (Marley and Me).